Be Someone's Believer
On Trauma, Truth, and the Life-Changing Power of Being Believed
What does it mean to be believed? To have someone really believe you without you having to justify any part of your story or make right someone else’s story.
I can tell you what it feels like personally to be believed and not believed.
Let me start with the most painful of the two. Not being believed! What people are actually saying without saying it is - You are a liar! That the pain and trauma that you lived through, didn’t happen, or you should get over it! Sometimes if they are religious they say, you need to forgive! While really meaning get the “fuck” over this! You are making everyone around you uncomfortable.
People use phrases like: blood is thicker than water, it’s water under the bridge, let bygones be bygones, forgive and forget, and bury the hatchet. All of these suck by the way! If it was that easy to bury the hatchet we would have already!
How can a person who has been broken in more ways than they will ever be able to count, from the moment they came into this world - get over it! They will be putting the pieces of themselves back together for the rest of their lives, so no they will not be getting over it anytime soon. Everything in life can feel HARD from getting up in the morning, staying on top of chores, meeting physical needs, making appointments things that people without trauma may not have to think twice about.
Things to consider when dealing with trauma...
For most people it will take
a lifetime of counseling (for me it’s been on and off for over 27 years. Mostly on)!
This means a lot of money, even if you have insurance. That life-saving shit sure isn’t free.
Vulnerability!
Vulnerability in your intake evaluation to see if you ”need” a counselor (insurance often gets to decide), vulnerability with every counselor you may have to interview before you find the right match, with your counselor to build safety, and any counselors you have to find along the way: if yours retires, graduates or maybe gets scared of your stuff (this happened to me at the beginning of my counseling journey).
A small caveat here…therapy has saved my life! All but one counselor among the many over the years has been a subpar therapist everyone else has been a lifeline to me and my continued healing. I wouldn’t be where I am without them. I am currently in love with IFS therapy (those that know me know this, because I won’t shut up about it). If you are interested message me or start with You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For by Richard Schwartz
Vulnerability!!
Yep, more of using this muscle. You come into every relationship trying to figure out the right time to tell your partner/partners, casual dates even the smallest part of your story. Maybe to you, it is the most benign piece of your story, but you weigh it...Will this person freak out (Oh God now what)?! Will they pity me (gross)?! Will they try and fix me (hell NO)?! Will they run away (I fear abandonment)?! Will they believe you (this is the dream)?! How much of me is too much (this is the fear)?!!!
And vulnerability with friends!!!
When, where, why? And will they stick around when so many others haven’t? Will they believe you? Will they do what they can to support your healing without rescuing you?
Having Kids
Should you or shouldn’t you? Being in constant fear that what happened to you will happen to them. That you won’t be enough to protect them or you will be too much and cripple them with your own staggering fear.
And while trying to parent always keeping close that you have more work to do and it isn’t just work for your own health and wellness but for theirs. That they can live free of family secrets, predators, and violators!
And God forbid if anything did happen to them...
You sure as shit will believe them!!!
Not to mention what trauma over time does to the physical body: teeth breaking, hair loss, night terrors, panic attacks, PTSD, Auto-Immune disorders, crippling fear, etc.
When you have survived the deep shattering pain of violation, to be believed when it is so hard to believe in yourself is the greatest gift you can be given!
No bullshit or religious excuses, just the deep unrelenting, unwavering partner, friend, sibling, or parent believing you is a life-giving gift.
In my mind, it shouldn’t be that hard to give. Because believing says my love isn’t conditional. My love spans your pain and holds it with you in whatever way you need. It says I am safe to sit with while you put the pieces of yourself together. And when shit gets real I will not RUN! Even if I’m are scared! I will not run!
The victim of violence knows about forgiveness, better than anyone. They know in order to really live they will gradually and most likely for the rest of their lives have to keep trying to forgive. Because forgiveness is for them! It is for their freedom! It is so they don’t spend their lives carrying around the rotting corpse of their violator.
But how dare anyone tell them they have to let it go! Or the timing of their forgiveness should be! Or that they are not moving fast enough! Or doing it RIGHT enough! Or that it’s water under the bridge! Or to get on with their lives!
That is not believing!
And there is a fundamental difference between saying you believe someone and living like you believe someone.
That brings me to being believed.
When you are believed there needn’t be any explanation of why it is hard to do daily life
-Believers stay close and ask what you need or just sit with you.
When you are painfully putting your pieces back together
-Believers remind you who you really are!
-Believers tell you what a badass you are!
-Believers show up in the shit and stay!
-Believers give space, but won’t let you push them away!
-Believers believe you!
-Believers love you when it’s shitty and you are constantly scared!
-Believers remind you they have your back!
-Believers are in it for the long haul!
-Believers make mistakes and own their sorry’s!
-Believers don’t try and force you to go and to do what you can’t or aren’t ready to do!
-Believers listen
-Believers stay even when they are scared and the pain of your story is hard!
-Believers let you do your healing your way!
I have believers in my life. That is why I continue to heal, continue to face the pain, and continue to forgive.
It is life-changing to be a believer!!!
Love,
Angie❤